Rhinocrisy

My PI (who is Russian) complains that Belarus is less deserving of being labelled an “outpost of tyranny”* than Turkmenistan. Mind you, both of them are guilty of being tyrannical - Lukashenka, dictator of Belarus, is trying to get himself appointed president-for-life,+ and concommitantly quashing political dissent. And he’s admittedly something of a kook.

But Sapamurat Niyazov of Turkmenistan takes the cake. There is probably no “world leader” who can compete on the field of lunacy with this man. To start off small, he’s renamed the month of January after himself and the month of April after his mother. He made it official (after turning 62) that old age doesn’t begin until you’re 85. He built a statue of himself in the capital which revolves on a turntable so that it always faces the sun. He’s commissioned the world’s largest handmade carpet. And then there’s the not-so-nice stuff, like jailing his opposition, including civil society groups and environmental activists.

Of course, it might be that Condi Rice was trying to keep the list short, and Belarus was just one on a list of possible Outposts. The fact that the U.S. has been courting Niyazov for construction of the coveted trans-Caspian gas pipeline probably has little to do with it…

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* Can I just point out what a truly ODD turn of phrase that is? “Outpost of tyranny”? Is Tyranny some sort of wilderness adventure group, like the Boy Scouts? “The next outpost is only three miles, boys - we’ll have a great view from there! And we can stock up on GORP, as well.”

+ This is a sure sign you’re losing it. If you or a loved one are trying to become president-for-life, SEEK HELP NOW. It’s only a phone-call away. It’s not too late!

Those of you who caught Bush’s inauguration speech will have realized that there’s another war a-comin’. Those of you who caught Condi Rice’s Senate hearing will have a pretty good idea where it’s going to be. Eschewing the now-outmoded “axis of evil”, Ms. Rice named six countries that she described as “outposts of tyranny“. Tyranny being the enemy of freedom. Since the U.S. is now the champion knight of freedom, we’re bound to whup some tyrannical ass. Here’s the choices: Cuba, Zimbabwe, Burma, Belarus, Iran and North Korea.

Now some of this may be a bit confusing: “Wait a minute… Burma? The same Burma ruled by the dictator Than Shwe, with whom Halliburton did business while Dick Cheney was its CEO?* That Burma? Or some other Burma…? I’ve been confused ever since they renamed it Myanmar…”

Or you may be wondering why Belarus got singled out, as opposed to, I don’t know, some other dictatorial regime. But you would be wrong to think that; what’s important is that we identify anti-American dictatorial regimes. The logic is inescapable: The United States is the friend of freedom. If you are a friend to the United States, you must also, therefore, be a friend of freedom (or introductions can be made, anyway, at the appropriate social gathering). And if you’re a friend of freedom, you’re obviously not its enemy, viz., a tyranny.

Anyway, keep your eyes peeled - there’s doings a-transpirin’.

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* Including, apparently, the use of children to lay their pipeline. Fabulous.