Rhinocrisy

Leaders of the Washington Apple Council today circulated a press release protesting persistent references to brutal military and intelligence officers as “bad apples.”

“Washington apple growers take pride in their quality control,” reads the 2-page press release. “We recognize that a few apples are in imperfect condition when they arrive at the local market, due to factors beyond our control. But the public must understand that even the worst Washington apple will never strike consumers with phone books, closed fists, nor open palms. These vitamin-rich, high-fiber fruits have never forced a human being to remain in a closed environment such as a sleeping bag while wound with an electrical cord. Nor do they force our valued customers to lie across folding chairs while an interrogator beats the soles of their feet with a police baton. These crisp, delicious snacks will not hit consumers on the back and buttocks with batons while they are in painful stress positions.”

The release states that carefully selected USDA-approved Washington apples, along with a healthy and balanced diet, provide valuable antioxidants, which can help some consumers maintain healthy sleep patterns. This contradicts public accusations that the fruit had caused sleep deprivation and randomly switched prisoners’ lights on and off throughout the day.

The trade association goes on to describe many other actions previously blamed on “bad apples” that the trade organization insists are actually the work of other creatures, which are more often available in supermarket parking lots than in the produce aisle.

For example, the Washington post has recently compared apples to mortgages, brutal police officers, and Enron energy traders. The paper has repeatedly been forced to eat humble pie baked with too little cinnamon as further fact-finding reveals that high-ranking officials, not bad apples, are responsible.

Reached for comment, Jim Allen, president of the New York Apple Association said, “I’m glad the Washington association took the lead on this. Our 150-year tradition growing apples for table, juice, and vinegar is threatened by the U.S. military’s insistence that our fruit are responsible for anything worse than a bit of gas and the occasional e. coli poisoning.”

While the compact and convenient snacks can apparently inhibit cancer cell proliferation, decrease lipid oxidation, and lower cholesterol, medical professionals call on diners to wash the attractively shaped fruit with soap and water if they wish to remove residues of soil, pesticide, and feces from apple-pickers forced to work long hours in fields without proper hand-washing facilities.