Rhinocrisy

As penance for my unforgivable advertising-related rant of yesterday, I present this eulogy of a bit of viral marketing.

You see, the Saab Corporation has decided that the corporate world has subsumed the individual, and we are in grave danger of being drowned in a big wide sea of Same. Thus, they urge you to Maintain Your Identity. Because, “You are different. So is Saab.”

You’d imagine that most people would respond to this sort of nonsense by flying into a violent rage and rushing to their nearest Saab dealership to bludgeon the hapless automobiles into their component parts with a heavy metal crowbar. I, however, respond with gratitude that they provide a space where we can learn how other people express their individual natures. Isn’t that great? Now evil fucking corporate ad execs can tell us how to be DIFFERENT, as well as how to conform! I’m also startled to see that all these individualists live lives remarkably free of profanity, drug use, public nudity and anti-establishment rhetoric. And none of them want to take the piss out of Saab, either! Awww.

I swear to god the following is true.

I found a new bottle of shampoo in my shower this morning, even wierder than the last one. It’s “Giovanni magnetic hair care” shampoo. It promises “Magnetically charged hair care for naturally beautiful hair”.

The blurb on the back says:

This dynamic shampoo’s cleansing power comes from deep within the earth. Magnetite, a polarizing mineral that infuses positive energy while repelling negative charges, combines with special cleansing and conditioning forces. Proteins fill in ravaged hair to smooth and soothe. With each shampoo, hair feels stronger, looks better. Micro-magnets expel oils and residues. Damage is repaired. Shine is an absolute blast. This is the positron effect of Energizing Shampoo.

On the front is one of Maxwell’s equations (only not):

And, yes, in the list of ingredients, they do indeed include “Magnetite (Fe₃O₄)”.

I really don’t know what to say.

Something that gets too little attention in our society is how much work we put into unnecessarily moving things around. I have been reminded of this recently as I lost 10 lbs unexpectedly upon departing grad school, becoming addicted to coffee, and leaving the food mecca of the Bay Area for the less nutritious and higher-stress life of Washington. Now, when I run, my knees hurt less and I go faster — because I have stopped carrying an extra 10-lb weight around.

To put it another way: When I see a bottle of Evian, I always see the bottle filled with ounces of golden, fragrant petroleum, with a thin film of delicious spring water lining the base of the bottle, and tiny figures inside, toiling over nothing. That is what $2.00 a liter buys. Transportation, refrigeration, and the labor of many people doing dull, unnecessary work. Unnecessary because anywhere that you can find Evian, you can probably find piped water. Pipelines are the most efficient conveyance known. They require no unskilled labor. Many operate on gravity. You get the point.

The latest Harpers’ Index does the math on obesity and points out that the net excess weight of people in the United States is more than equal to the weight of everyone in Los Angeles. So as we drive around, in cars, planes, bicycles, or whatever, we are using all this extra energy to transport lipids that would be better stored as preserved food than in our bodies.

Of course this amount pales beside the work we put into moving our conveyances. That is, the amount of energy we spend moving the machines that exist to move us. Miles per gallon in the American passenger vehicle fleet has dropped from 21.5 to 20.6 in the past 20 years.

Driving on an Interstate, I have to be extra-careful because I find myself routinely lost in reverie, staring at all the metal in motion. How much mass is moving! How much energy is being spent! How miraculous. It is beautiful if you don’t think too much about the peat bogs of Siberia.

Overcoming skepticism. Thank God the University of Washington is researching this. I’ve been noticing a serious excess of skepticism lately.

Concerned that the American public was at risk of using less gasoline than absolutely possible, the Bush Administration has taken decisive action to continue the shitstorm.

The Bush administration is expected to abandon a proposal to extend fuel economy regulations to include Hummer H2’s and other huge sport utility vehicles, auto industry and other officials say.