Rhinocrisy

Genuine, no-joke press release from the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, dated yesterday:

U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA)

*Germany to Help Provide Clean Energy*

Contact: Roxanne Smith, (202) 564-43XX / XXXXX@epa.gov (media only);
Erin Birgfeld, (202) 343-90XX/ XXXXX@epa.gov (technical questions only)

(Washington, D.C. - July 6, 2006) Germany has become the 18th member of the
international Methane to Markets Partnership, a Bush Administration initiative
that promotes the recovery and use of methane to provide clean energy. Germany’s
participation in the partnership will help reduce methane emissions and promote
global energy security.

“The Bush Administration has an unparalleled financial, international and
domestic commitment to the reduction of greenhouse gas emissions. Voluntary
programs, like EPA’s Methane to Markets Partnership, are achieving significant
reductions by taking methane waste and turning it into wealth,” said EPA
Administrator Stephen L. Johnson. “By working with Germany to promote advances
in clean technology, President Bush is helping turn strong economic partners
into good global neighbors.”

Hello, is this Erin Birgfeld? Yes, I have a technical question. If two lines are unparalleled, and one is going the right direction, which way is the other one going?

Gotta love those unparalleled commitments. It reminds me of two speedskaters, one bolting with determination for the finish line while the other pours salt on the ice, moons the camera, and wanders off into the crowd. “My commitment to victory is unparalleled!”

Or to put it another way (PDF):

German emissions are 18.5% below 1990 levels, within reach of its 21% emission reduction target. Germany is expected to meet its targets without the use of flexibility mechanisms such as international carbon trading. Ex-Chancellor Gerhard Schroder has offered to set a target of reducing German emissions 40% below 1990 levels by 2020 if the EU accepts a 30% reduction target. The new coalition government under Chancellor Angela Merkel has maintained a strong stance on climate change action…

As of 2003, the report says, Germany needed to cut another 3 percent from its carbon emissions to meet its Kyoto commitment. The USA needed to cut 21 percent, a number that rises with every record month for gasoline consumption. Hooray for April! We sure stuck it to Exxon that month!

Gosh, two terrorist plots in a month. The FBI at work, protecting the homeland.

The agency’s top-notch cybersleuthing skills were on display. Just a day after a consultant pleaded guilty to hacking the bureau’s computers and acquiring the password and social security number of each employee including the director! The FBI regained the advantage over cybercriminals. The bureau found these criminal masterminds by monitoring what my sources call “open Internet chat rooms.”

Other sources, within the FBI, tell me that enforcement actions will increase in September. As schools reopen, college sophomores across the U.S. will be arrested for quoting aloud from the first paragraphs of The Communist Manifesto while preschoolers, having built tall towers out of wooden blocks and Legos, can expect to be questioned if they levy credible threats against the structures.

The agents who will be assigned to Operation Schoolyard will become available after the FBI disbands 110-member Unabomber task force. Its continued existence was criticized earlier this year after an agent found the bomber at the Supermax prison in Florence, Colorado. The bomber was turned in by his brother in April, 1996, according to people with knowledge of the situation.

Following the high ethical bar of my competitor, the New York Times, I must disclose why I granted these sources anonymity. They didn’t want their names used because they are my imaginary friends and it would embarrass me to have everyone know what I call them. Right pooky-monster?