Rhinocrisy

Recently I proposed marriage to one Mist 1, recent commenter ’round these parts and proprietress of a fine blurng; I urge you to appreciate her scintillating wit by perusing her archives. Post-haste!

I’m happy to report that she has proven amenable to my proposal.

Of course, this means putting an end to my bachelor lifestyle, e.g., moving out of my parents’ basement. Fortunately I’m ahead of the game in that department by at least several weeks. I’ll also probably have to start folding my laundry and regularly trimming my toe-nails. Most importantly, however, Western societies apparently require the purchase of some sort of gem-encrusted band as a symbol of my ownership.^* In light of my impending graduation, I therefore require your assistance in securing employment. To help you out, here’s a list of my skills and finer qualities:

• I can sew.
• I own my own copy of Tim Burton’s “Batman” (1990) and can quote most of it if need be.
• I can bend over backwards and touch the ground with both hands from a standing position.
• I can eat more than anyone I know.
• I know kung fu.
• I can compose haiku.^†

I’m sure all of these will be of great utility in an office environment.

The next question is, how should I break this to my parents, who I’m fairly sure have already lined me up with a nice girl from a Kayastha family living in Kanpur.

^* Some of you may be wondering how I might reconcile this with my rabid dislike for the diamond industry, but you’ve obviously never been in love.

^† E.g.:
Fuzzy gray mammal
Trod where others dared not go.
What’s that strange red stain?

… revealing a man. Sometimes only a shell of a man; sometimes a maelstrom of light and potential that would be diminished by calling it a man. Today, he might as well be called a horse, for all he cares. Let the world do as it wills for the next eight hours - that’s the length of time required for his long, relieved exhalation.

I think I’m going to graduate after all.