Friends, we have in the past expressed concern that our readership might have an overdeveloped sense of morality, and so may be trampled and bruised by the herd in the mad dash towards the pinnacle of crapulence. For your protection, therefore, we present this occasional series on how you, kind reader, may become less kind and more cruel, and thus hopefully further your success.
There are few people as vulnerable and impressionable in this world as children, and as we suggested in previous editions of our Guide to Being Evil, one of the surest paths to unadulterated evil is by exploiting that weakness. As I like to say, there is no sound sweeter than the piteous shrieks of the innocent.
However, it is vital that, in committing your evil deeds, you don’t make too much work for yourself. Not because sloth is an exceptional evil by itself (it’s only a second-rate evil), but because mass productivity is what’s really required to achieve legendary status as a demonic fiend. We’d all like to be able to disembowel and consume the entrails of half a million small toddlers, but who has that kind of time?* Instead, we can save ourselves considerable effort by piggy-backing on the general tide of evil washing over society.
As a case study, we present the website Miss Bimbo, a “virtual fashion game” created by one Nicolas Jacquart, an evil genius capable of inducing such a towering hatred that you, personally, would relish the act of skewering his body with a couple of meat-hooks. The site is directed at an extremely vulnerable segment of the population: young, pre-teen girls, and its goal may be neatly summed up by the tag: “Are you ready to become Queen of the Bimbos !?!” Herein, the young female may pilot a virtual bimbo, and by controlling her weight, appearance, and social status, may accrue “bimbo dollars” and “bimbo cred”, until she (hopefully) attains the desired rank of ruling monarch of a very sad kingdom.
Now, hold your skepticism. You may, at first, be disinclined to believe that such a website is not a parody, or that it actually has managed to attract half a million young, impressionable girls and inculcated in them a desire to become a vapid, clownish caricature of a human being. This is because you do not have the necessary propensity towards evil! Your failure to imagine such a thing is precisely what we are attempting to correct via this series. Take notes, and learn.
I created a test account to explore the Miss Bimbo virtual world (bimbo nickname: Jenghis Khan). At this beginning stage my goals are modest: secure an apartment, get a job, and “Change your drab hairstyle to become a blonde with cool pigtails!” However, if I were to persevere, I would be able to purchase lingerie, a makeover, a nice tan, and maybe (for the benefit of thousands of points of “Bimbo Attitude”) some plastic surgery: a face lift, or perhaps some breast augmentation surgery! Unfortunately the complaints of outraged parents and health care officials forced M. Jacquart to remove the ability to purchase diet pills for your bimbo, which means that he will no longer be able to directly instruct young girls in how to develop and maintain their eating disorders. However, we can be confident that the remainder of his website will admirably succeed in destroying any sense of self-worth that those girls may have.
Now, take note of what M. Jacquart is doing: his barbarism is hinged on a prototype that is well-familiar within the zeitgeist. Rather than doing the hard work of creating a destructive archetype all by himself and somehow encouraging young girls to adopt it, he has made use of the already-widespread social message that girls need to become as empty-headed and artificial as possible, aspiring only to the acquisition of clothes, money, looks, and social notoriety. Others have already laid the groundwork by creating and maintaining industries devoted to making girls hate their bodies and devalue their minds. Pleasant Nicolas merely provides a conduit for the flow of this filth, directing it more efficiently towards the intended targets. Thus he manages great evil with only slight effort.
We may all learn from his vile example.
* Not to mention that toddler entrails go straight to the hips.