Fugue state
posted by saurabh in Angst, What Is To Be Done |I went to drop off my dissertation with the registrar today, the last possible minute finally having arrived. It’s strange hearing the congratulations of strangers. I think to myself that they are praising me out of ignorance, because if they knew what little I have actually done, they would know I didn’t deserve it. This is the same doubt that has haunted me my whole life. My path has simply been navigating a maze that someone else built - there was a solution and a goal at the end that was already set out for me. It only required that I walk to the end. The truly intrepid, the brave and praiseworthy, cut their way through the maze and blaze their own trail, exploring the wide, wild country outside its walls. Now, what do I know about setting my own goals? The ones I imagine are far away, in the most untamed corner of the wilderness. And here I am, unknowing, feeling my lack. Can I navigate that wilderness, or will I be lost in the thicket, trapped by endless rows of snarls and thorns?
Sometimes I lose patience with people assuming what my next course will be - employment, marriage, stability. Should I continue to play my life out by rote? Can others truly bear to live their entire lives that way? Is it possible to never leave the boundaries of the maze, and to follow its familiar, monotonous walls back and forth in perpetuity? Other times I fear their assumption is correct. Only a fool ventures off into the unknown in pursuit of fabled treasures - the sort of romantic idiot who likens life to a fantastic voyage.
This is not how I imagined adulthood - learning to accept that you are a bug, and dreams are false, and heroes do not exist (or at least: you will never be one).
I am riding my bike from the bookbindery, to deliver my two copies of the document, and these dark thoughts cast a veil over the sunlit day. I lift my head to shake it away, to catch a glimpse of blue sky. A light rain strikes my face, just a kiss of descending mist. I’m gladdened by this bit of fairy magic. I look around me for the inevitable rainbow, but it cannot be seen. Its arch descends from directly above me. I am the pot of gold.
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the neighbor you haven’t met yet, my longest-lasting and closest friend, once asked me if i ever felt like a fraud, that others would see through me. i said “of course.” he said he thought so, because that’s what all successful people feel like.
strange, that.
you’re a hero, and like it or not you’re already forging your path. just look back on this blorgh, you are an original thinker. maybe it’s a surprise to you, but it shouldn’t be, that the world is full of openings — you don’t often have to hack your way through the jungle. mostly it’s open woodland and you can go cross country for weeks without really feeling like you’ve left the trail. and when you come to the thickets, you hack through with hard work. i have a feeling you’ve struggled at least once with a problem no one else has considered, or at least no one you know, no one who could lead you to the answer.
in short, hush. accept the pleasure of this success. for someone always cheering the underdog, success can be uncomfortable. but it’s a success all the same. you’re doing great. i say, without having read even an outline of the dissertation.
Congratulations on making it through! May your years be filled with friends you can call late at night.
congrats, saurabh. i hope you find some way to feel that sense of accomplishment, freedom and possibility which you so richly deserve.