Rhinocrisy

You might want to check out this column in the Guardian lamenting a recent poll which found 30% of British school kids believe in Creationism or “intelligent” “design”.^* Personally, the response this evokes in me is a desire to run outside, find the nearest religious nut and sucker-punch him in the gut until he explains the workings of his mind to me.

The other day I met a born-again Christian who was willing to cop to the charge - but she refused to tell her audience why she became born-again, because she was afraid we would think it was hokey. This really blows my mind… if you, yourself find your beliefs hokey, why in the name of Christ do you hold them?

I’m also unable to appreciate the disconnect between the otherwise rational behavior of religious types, who as far as I am able to tell can operate can-openers, make their way through revolving doors and drive manual transmission automobiles, and their absurdist, counter-intuitive belief systems. I would honestly be much happier if the religious people in the world moved in constant trepidation, afraid that their dog might, without a moment’s notice, change into a sofa (or vice-versa), that the fibers of their living room throw rug would spontaneously de-interlace and crawl worm-like into the corners of the room, or that the color of the sky is constantly cycling like someone is fiddling with its “hue” tuner. This, at least, would be consistent, and consistently crazy. As it is I have to believe one of two things:

• They are all putting me on.
• There is a “religious nuttery” mental faculty that I am missing that allows this dissonant state of mind to exist.

Perhaps it’s better to gawk than to experience first-hand, but religious people seem to enjoy what seems to me to be an addled state. I can’t help feeling I’m missing out.

^* Yes, they’re doing way, way, better than we are. I am crying in my soup as I write this.^†

^§ Actually the only thing I remember being roasted at a Boy Scout outing was a live chipmunk some disgusting little puke had caught and thrown in the fire. What a travesty… I bet Lord Baden-Powell is looking down from Heaven right now, crying in his soups’mores.

Plenty of people fear that the leaders of the U.S. are fired by apocalyptic fantasies.

And according to a 2002 Time/CNN poll, 59% of Americans think the events portrayed in Revelation will happen; 17% think the events will take place within their lifetimes.

I pity the fools.

They don’t realize that the Rapture took place on September 4, 2005. I was burrowing across the country with my pal in a car. We saw first one vehicle, pulled over on the side of the road, with belongings but no person inside. Then another. A few miles later, yet another.

There it was — these folks were Raptured up. I mean, all told, it’s not like there were going to be very many taken into the Kingdom. 144,000 — 12,000 from each of the tribes. Goodbye to them. I wonder if they’ve found what they’re looking for.

Now as for the rest of y’all, quit your hopeless, unrequited carping at the toenails of your almighty and get down with your bad selves. We have Sodoming and Gomorrahing to do.

I mean no disrespect to non-insane Christians, but if you want a few hearty chuckles, check out Ask the Real Jesus, a Q/A site written by the Lord Himself. Check out His Answer to the question “Is Jesus alone in heaven?” It’s funny cuz they’re serious.