Tabloid issue

4th September 2006

Al-Qaeda’s #2 man captured again

“We’re not sure how he keeps escaping,” says dumbfounded CIA.
Hamed Farid al-Saeedi has reportedly been whisked away to Jordan for immediate torturing. “We’re pretty sure that we can get Mr. al-Saeedi to tell us what a good election strategy for November is,” said Bush press secretary Tony Snow. “At least, I hope so, because I’m all out of ideas.”

A picture of Apple’s new ultra-thin iPod.

Apple announces new ‘iPod Cantor Dust’
The new addition to Apple’s iPod lineup, announced at a special news conference this Friday, has a total width of 0 nm. “This is a revolutionary step forward in handheld technology,” said industry analyst Jürgen Kofiphilter. “Samsung thinks they’re hot shit with their 6.9mm thin phone and their super-tiny E888, but the new iPod makes their electronics look like clunky behemoths!” The Cantor Dust iPod, which retails for $299, has a capacity dimension of 1.26 and can store an infinite number of songs of zero byte size. Although most Apple enthusiasts have greeted it with great exhuberance, a few reviewers have taken a more reserved tone. “I’d tell you what I thought of it, but since the user interface has fractal geometry I can’t actually interact with it,” Gizmotron magazine columnist Surinder Attapamathak groused. “Plus I suspect I may have sat on it on the way home from the Apple Store.” iPod fans will be able to purchase the new device in September in time for the new school year.

Grocery stores stock up in preparation for the blitz.

Giant comet heads towards Earth! Maruchan stock soars
Federal disaster relief agencies said they would get around to preparing assistance packages “eventually”. In the meanwhile, families are encouraged to duct tape their own windows and dig their own bunkers. A number of efforts are underway to create a system of underground tunnels connecting homes, grocery stores and popular drinking establishments, but lack of federal grants has stymied progress. Five-year-old ditch engineer Sammy Krueger said, “My brother and I dug almost four feet down yesterday in my backyard, but then it started to smell funny so we stopped.”

posted by saurabh in Levity, Tabloid issue | 5 Comments

14th November 2005

Tabloid issue

White House says:
No Evidence Bush Lied About Iraq
Bush Administration officials denied earlier today that pre-war intelligence was manipulated or that Congress did not receive the complete picture. Speaking from his position knee-deep in a BFI dumpster behind the White House, National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley told reporters, “Look, guys, if that were true, we would have been lying, right? And if we were lying then, then we’d be lying about lying now. Which would be a double negative. And as we all know, that’s just not possible in English. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve, uh… lost… my… wedding ring… in here somewhere.”

Vice President Dick Cheney, cornered en route to his home with two large, rustling garbage bags full of “table scraps” for his “new alpaca, Cecil”, further commented, “Some of these Democrats who are kicking up a fuss were the same ones who voted for the war. If we knew then what they know now, then we should have been against the war. But we weren’t.” More questions proved impossible as reporters were terror-stricken by Mr. Cheney’s determined grimacing.

posted by saurabh in Tabloid issue | 1 Comment